


no going back

by okayhotshot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 05:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayhotshot/pseuds/okayhotshot
Summary: She’s known for a long time she’s in love with Han Solo. It’s the kind of love that surrounds her, radiates from her. She knows she looks at him like he hung the stars in the sky and she knows that she wants to spend the rest of her days with him. It’s the kind of love that encompasses her, and haunts her every waking thought but she wouldn’t trade it for anything.





	no going back

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I’m really on a Hanleia kick. Enjoy.

She had realized a long time ago she was in love with Han Solo. It had been a revelation, an epiphany so grand that it brought tears to her eyes. She remembers the fear she felt as Han faced down with the bounty hunter, claiming he didn’t owe Jabba the Hutt a dime, and she remembers how it felt when it hit her that she would actually fall apart without him in her life. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she managed to find the strength to help Han fight them off. And even when Han asked her why she was crying, she refused to say it out loud. That would be a revelation for another day.

She tried to push the feeling away. She tried to tuck it into the recesses of her mind and pretend that it didn’t exist. She couldn’t be in love with Han Solo. She can’t be in love with Han Solo. Too much is at stake. The Rebellion needs her strong and focused, not fawning over a handsome smuggler who has never known how to stay in one place. She can’t be nursing a school girl crush.

But she knows it’s more than that, and she knew it a long time ago. And the kind of love she feels for him isn’t the kind that’s meant to be swept under the rug. No. The love she feels for Han is greater than that. It encompasses her, intrudes her every waking thought, repeats his name in her head like a prayer, and reaches out and demands to be felt, to be requited. And it aches. Gods, she aches for him. Her heart longs to tell him how she feels, but her head tells her that she should know better.

Han isn’t going to stay.

There have been several times that Han has threatened to leave, and together she and Luke have somehow convinced him to stay. One time she managed to do it without Luke’s aid. She had let a little of her feelings slip.

“And just why should I stay, princess?”

“Because I need you!” she exclaimed and she hadn’t realized what had come from her lips until he repeated it back to her.

“You need me?” he asked, his vocie softer than she had ever heard it. Han Solo is not known for being soft, but there he was, doing it anyway, stepping towards her and instead of facing her feelings head on, she did what she had been doing, she ran from it.

“Of course I do,” she said, knowing that she was stammering. “We all do.”

Han never pushed the issue again, but things between them hadn’t quite been the same since that incident. Things had been softer, easier, and most of their bickering was Han trying to pry her feelings from her iron grasp instead of senseless arguing. Gods, but hasn’t it always been about how she won’t admit how she feels for him? She thinks that must be true, because in the moments when she lets herself be vulnerable, where she lets the way she feels for him shine through, the bickering is non-existent. It’s almost like they are meant to coexist.

She thinks that thought should bring her some sort of comfort, but it only fills her with fear. What if she loses him, too?

Everything she touches dies.

She’s a time-bomb and any relationship she has is destined to explode. Just like her planet. She won’t be able to save them, she won’t be able to put their broken pieces back together. She’d rather have Han in her life at an arm’s distance than not to have him there at all. She knows she has a limited amount of time with him as it is, there’s no need to cut it short.

He’ll never stay.

Han has opened up to her before, about never staying in one place for very long. He’s never really had a reason, he told her. Chewie is the only friend that he has and where Han goes, he’ll follow. He said he’s never needed anyone and no one has ever needed him. But that’s not true. She needs him. Why can’t she just admit it?

He’ll never stay.

That’s what she’s telling herself now as she follows him down the hallway of the base at Hoth, heart pounding. He can’t leave. He just can’t. She can’t picture life without him, she can’t picture her life without his stupid jokes and clumsy flirting and his stupid, cocky smirk.

“Han! You can’t leave! We need you!”

“We need?!” he asks, finally turning around to face her. “What about what you need?”

“Me?” she asks, clearly defensive. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Han opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it, dropping the finger he has pointed at her, and turning to walk away again. “You probably don’t.”

Leia continues to follow him, and they’re weaving their way through a sea of other people who have been putting up with their fighting too long to be even the slightest bit entertained by it anymore.

“And just how am I supposed to know?”

“Come on! You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me!” he exclaims, and Leia feels like her heart stops to her stomach. It’s the first time he’s ever been so direct about it.

He’ll never stay.

That’s what her mind is trying to tell her but her heart is screaming, thrashing in her chest, begging to be heard, begging for her to just tell him how she feels. But she doesn’t know if she can.

“Yes!” she exclaims and before she can stop herself, another slew of nonsense is slipping out. “You’re a great help to us! You’re a natural leader!”

“No!” he yells and he turns around to face her again, his finger pointing yet again. “That’s not it. Come on.” He steps aside so someone can step between them. “Come on. Say it, Leia.”

The rest of his tone had been so harsh, but it softens so much when he says her name. And gods, he rarely calls her by her actual name and she feels like she could melt.

“Fine,” she says, feeling anger bubbling up within her. “I need you. I don’t want you to go. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

And before she has the chance to respond, she’s turned on her heel and made way down the hall and towards her quarters, ignoring the calls of her name behind her.

She feels like she can’t breathe. Had she really just said that? And had she said it in a bout of anger? Gods, she feels foolish and now he knows. He knows for sure that she has feelings for him and there’s no taking that back without lying and ripping out his heart and she can’t do that. She can’t.

Tears are clouding her vision, and she stumbles into her quarters, hands shaking from the cold, and from the fact that she could have just ruined everything.

She must not have locked the door behind her because Han comes stumbling in after her, out of breath from chasing her down the hall, face as confused as ever. He doesn’t get it, and she doesn’t know how she can make him understand that she’s afraid.

He’ll never stay and even if he does, everything she touches dies. How can this ever work out in their favor? But her heart wants him, and only him, she can’t convince it otherwise.

She’s known for a long time she’s in love with Han Solo. It’s the kind of love that surrounds her, radiates from her. She knows she looks at him like he hung the stars in the sky and she knows that she wants to spend the rest of her days with him. It’s the kind of love that encompasses her, and haunts her every waking thought but she wouldn’t trade it for anything.

“Leia, why did you run?”

Leia looks up at him, tears streaming down her face and before she can protest, Han’s hand is cupping her cheek, and his thumb is wiping away her tears.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” he says, his voice gentle as he gets down on her level. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I...I’m just tired of beating around the bush. I care about you and I want you to feel the same way.”

“I do,” she says, sniffling, unable to look him in the eye. “Believe me I do. I have for a while. I just...I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid you’ll leave or I’ll do something stupid and get you killed. I can’t lose you. I meant it when I said I needed you.”

And Han’s already softened expression grows softer somehow and he pulls her close to him, and she lets herself rest her head on his chest, lets her eyes flutter closed as she listens to the beating of his heart. This is all she’s ever wanted and she’s so afraid. Almost too afraid to let herself enjoy it. But for a moment she lets her desires get the better of her and Han’s arm rests around her waist and his other hand comes up to play with her hair and she feels content. So content. She’s finally in the arms of the man she loves and she feels like, for a moment, that everything might be okay.

“You do something stupid?” he asks, voice quiet. Even if someone else was listening, they wouldn’t hear. This is for her ears only, so soft and tender that she almost starts to cry again. “I thought you’d be more worried about me doing that.”

She laughs a little as she tries to stifle the sob working its way up her throat. “Well, I do worry about that a lot,” she says, her voice just as soft as his. “But people that associate with me have a bad habit of dying. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

Han does pull away this time, fingers coming underneath her chin and tilting her head up so she can look at him.

“Leia...”

“And it’s not just that!” she says, trying to nip this in the bud before it even starts. “You’re always wanting to leave. If I put everything into what I feel for you and you just left it would crush me. And don’t tell me I would be fine. Part of me knows that. The other part would be devastated. I’m too scared of losing you.”

Han’s fingers are still under her chin and she tilts her head down a little so he can press a gentle kiss to her forehead. “First of all, sweetheart, I’ve never actually wanted to leave. I’ve only been saying I was going to see if I could get you to admit you wanted me to stay. Granted, that might not have been my smartest idea.” He pauses, giving her a crooked smile. “Secondly, that’s perfectly fine to be afraid of losing me, but listen, if I have any say in the matter, I’m not going anywhere, into the void of death included, okay?”

She nods, a few more tears slipping down her cheeks, and she lets her eyes catch his and before she can protest, he’s closed the distance between them and presses a gentle kiss to her lips.

Her heart is fluttering in her chest, her mind is reeling as soft, warm lips envelop her own. Gods, she loves him. And she can’t push him away. Not after this. There’s no going back now.

Leia had realized a long time ago she was in love with Han Solo and for the first time, the idea of it doesn’t scare her.


End file.
